Saturday, April 29, 2006

3:46 PM

I've been too self-absorbed.
For this, I did not realised when a friend was in need.
I became numb towards physical pain, and in the process, I guess I couldn't feel your pain immediately.
I have failed as the friend I claim to be.
How could I not see it sooner?
I want you to confide in me.
That's what I'm here for, to listen.
Like how you did too, when I needed concern,then.
I can only imagine how much pain you must have felt.
And wonder if you were alone.
I shudder to think of how you could have gone through it alone.
I abhorr myself for being such a self-centered bitch.
Please don't conceal it.
It will only make matters worse.
I'll make it up to you when the exams are over, I promise.
I hope you see this.
And know that you can trust in me.
Talk to me, please.
Don't hide the pain.

P.S. I hope you'll see this and have a conversation with me like the old times. I<3u. Swear.

Monday, April 24, 2006

9:13 PM

Sore throat, flu and a headache. Perfect combination for a pre-exam week. All I need now is for something disastrous to happen to ME and I'm set for dying. It's not that I'll die from the shock, nor that I cant withstand it, but I won't be bothered by it, and I'll probably just curl up and die in some alley way or smth. Bliss. Don't ask me what this has to do with me being sick, it's just my brains telling my fingers what to type, so I'm just following instructions *shrugs*.

Mmhhmm..today I got a msg from someone I didn't expect. It was a msg of concern, amazingly. Something I didn't expect from someone I thought, hated me. Yet, other people whom I expected to care about, didnt. Weird. mm..in a way it kinda shows who cares and who doesn't..food for thought (: til then.

Friday, April 21, 2006

10:38 PM

It's the weekends, hallelujah. (:

According to the question on why I'm so depressed, I shall quote what Nicole said today, although it bears no significance, but it still speaks of the same theory.

Me : I feel stupid to be doing Combined Science.
Nicole : Yea. I used to think that in Sec 1 too. It's not so bad lar, now that I'm doing it too. xD
Nicole : " It's not that we're stupid, it's that we're not smart enough."

So yea, it's not that i'm depressed, it's just that i'm not very happy. :D

Random Babbles, not in a very good standard today. I can't be bothered to correct myself.

Today was our 2.4km NAPFA run, go 3H. haha. Nicole and I ran one round, at the street soccer court, the toilet there.

Nicole : Oeii, cannot lar.
We kept the same pace.
Me : Ah, screw it lar.
*High five* *Stopped running*
Nicole and I : Mr. Rizal, cannot larrr.
Mr. Rizal : *shake head*

We spent the rest of PE cheering people on. (:

Monday, April 17, 2006

8:21 PM

What do you do when the one you love doesn't love you back anymore? What if a part of you hates him, yet you cannot bear the let the hate go, for you know when the hate goes, he goes with it too. Also, what if he doesn't realise how much he means to you.

Haha, I'm such a sucker.

Had fun at Gary's house today. Lol, Darence, Hwee Kiat, Ming Yuen and Jasmine were there. SOMEONE took really long to order pizza cuz he was playing warcraft. So, Jasmine had to order with MTV blasting through the living room. Then, it started raining. >.< AND, some people wanted to watch Final Destination 2. I went into one of the rooms to hide. Lol. For my sake, they didnt watch :D We went to pick Nicole from school, cuz she just finished taking her ss test. We got soaking wet, and our shoes has that squishy water noise cuz we stepped in the puddles of the flooded pathways. Pizza arriveeeeed. Jasmine Teo Ai Ping conveniently DID NOT order enough food. She ordered a large hawaiian, 6 piece drumlets, garlic bread, and 2 pepsis for 7 freaking people. -_-" everyone ate one slice except for hwee kiat, lol. Then, they started playing O2 Jamz and watched Bring it On. (: Fun rainy day.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

5:23 PM

It's 5.20 and raining. Gee, how I <3 the rain (: There's a certain sense of tranquility, melancholy and solace when it rains, which makes me feel better. It's like, the rain is my confidante. Also, misery loves company. I shall just sit here, stare out my window, enjoy the rain and the breeze,and watching the little drops of rain form a pattern on my once-clear window slate. Toodles

Friday, April 14, 2006

11:24 PM

I'm gonna forget the past and be myself again.

I've become more vulgar.
I've become more vindictive with my words.
I've become really mean.
I've become a bitchy person.
I've become suicidal.
I've become unhappy.

I wonder why?
I want to be the person I was before all these unhappy events took place and ruined me. If I could, I'd erase you too.

I've forgotten to mention. I'm going to NZ again this June. This time, it's for a leadership training course(don't you dare be thinking how I got chosen >:]) at the Outdoor Pursuit Centre, Auckland. I'll be going with these CCA Leader mates of mine. To say, Abby, Wanfong, Weirong, Jolene, Nicholas, Amirul, Jierong, Thong Kiat, Jun Liang. I'm counting on it that it'll be a blast, considering we've received our itinerary and it kicks ass! Can hardly wait. ^^

Thursday, April 13, 2006

8:34 PM

Good luck to the both of you.

I took your answer of " both no and yes" as a yes. Don't be fickle. Anyways, yes I hate you. If you still think it's wrong of me to think that, well then, fuck you. I gave you a valid reason to which you gave me a very STUPID answer. Go be her guy, since it seems she needs you really badly from the way she mentions you on her blog everyday. I need not say more about how great a couple you both will be together, you both have SO MUCH in common(note the sarcasm). From the way I see it,I'm anticipating how long it'll take for you to hurt her. Haha.

P.S. Good job.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

10:13 PM

It's been a month and you're back to your old ways. The good news? You moved on. The bad news? It shows how much it really meant.

I'm sorry for being so lethargic these few days but I just don't know how else to feel already. I'm tired, and if I could get myself brainwashed, I would. I didn't cut myself for him, I cut myself to vent out the pent-up frustration with myself for being so stupid to have ever believed in it. I am the world's biggest idiot. Maybe I'll get an award and become famous for all the wrong reasons. Oh, the JOY it brings.

P.S. It's nice to see you treat her better than me, otherwise, I'd have known how she felt being treated the way you treated me.

Monday, April 10, 2006

8:01 PM

Donna.

she is weird.
she like company,
and also thrives staying locked up in her room,
with the stereo on full blast.
she likes all things black.
she doesn't wanna be labelled.
she is angry at the world.
she thinks cutting is cool.
she hates herself for being hypocritical.
she hates her brain.
she hates you.

The end.

Morning alert - Missed no. 16 this morning, so took 135 to school and dropped at Amber rd. Walked among the ickle TKP kids and wanted to kidnap a really cute small boy, but my conscience got the better of me, damn. Took my time to walk along Haig rd and took about 20 mins, cuz didn't wanna go for assembly. Saw Ming Jiang and 2 other friends across the road of the main gate. While they were signing in, I joined the sec 2s but got caught by Audrey Chen at the staircase. ): She said I still have the bad habit of coming to school late even though I live in the area. AND, she said she sees me hanging out too much with Jasmine. That I'm being influenced by her. Mmm.. even teachers are prejudiced.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

5:11 PM

After so long, I finally got to meet up with Elise(: I so fucking miss the good ol' days, miss her like crazy. Wonder if she knows that? Oh well. Went with her to Marina Sq to watch Ice Age 2. It's a really cute and fun movie, not for serious people or people who like proper and just endings. I love the squirrel and Diego! Sid is plain stupid. Fire King, hah.

On another note, I'm such a sucker for sad songs. Sad songs can ruin my whole day, depress me, and make me just wanna slit my wrist. I am so tempted. For what reason, I have no idea. I'm just confused, irritated, tired, wanna bang a wall and drop dead. Everyday, I tell myself I have a good life(and I do), I should appreciate it. I don't have family problems, I don't have financial problems, I have money for food so I never go hungry. Why am I still so dissatisfied? Is there such a thing as a person suffering from depression without a cause? I shall go find out. Everyday is just the same old, same old. There's nothing new, there's nothing that makes me wanna be where I am. It's so cliche I could use, ' My life is an empty shell.' There's no extra twist, no zest, zilch. I could drop dead and no one would find out till they see my mangled, decomposed body or something(No, I'm not being sadistic). I don't have a purpose in life, I don't think about the future, I don't wanna go to school anymore. I think I live in a different world from my friends. Is this an after-effect? I can't think of the cause, all I know is I could bury myself six feet under right now and smile/laugh/cry. Fuck, my mind's messing with me.

Friday, April 07, 2006

10:53 PM

PROPAGANDA. BULLSHIT. HYPOCRITICAL.
BITCHING.BACKSTABBING. LIES.
FAKE SMILES. BADMOUTHING. DECEIT.

WANT IT ALL TO FUCKING END.

I've changed, I know. I'm ashamed of it. I'm ashamed of the things I've done and all the hurtful vulgarities I've spewed. I'm gonna be myself again, I promise. I needed a wake up call from a great friend, thanks.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

9:14 PM

Donny is a happy person today. After waiting so long for her parents to give her spending cash(cuz her parents are unwilling to give her money for she is evil when money reaches her palms), she got her low cut black converse shoes. Now she has a high cut converse and a low cut converse for variety and is very happy about it (: I wanted the leather converse shoes but I felt guilty conscious of the self-acclaimed animal lover title I beheld, so I got the eco-friendly material one, canvas.

Haha, my dad says I'm easily contented(note the sarcasm), just buy me stuff(I like and want) and I'll smile for you 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Means, you have to get me a present for every single day of the year till I grow old and my brain can no longer function to ask for anything more.

I have moved on. Took me long enough, really. Don't like YOU anymore, haha. Maybe this friendship thing might actually work, mm..time will always tell(how cliche, i know). Funny how it's better now. (: Thanks anyway. I shan't talk about the past few days' events cuz I will get pissed off. Although I have to say this. I love 3h, love everyone in it (: I self-proclaim that 3H rocks.

P.S An empty street needs someone in it to make it a better picture.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

8:17 PM

Time and time again, we write stuff on our blogs that hurt people, hurt their feelings. When we write it, in silence, we hope that it sends out a message to bring about a realisation to that person/those people that something is amiss about the particular subject we preached. Yet, nothing ever comes out of it. We bury the doubts, for fear of hurting her/him/them, even after we know that we've already said what we said, plainly in the form of an open journal. We just bury it for the sake of ending it. Don't you think so?

The beginning of the year made me feel a little lost, a little scared, a lot of anticipation. Why? A little lost because of the new class I was going to be in and if I'd get along well with them or bitchfight my way through 2 years. A little scared because I was afraid I'd lose my best friend and the friendship that lasted well throughout p6 and now and be left all the more alone. A lot of anticipation because I thought of the group that made me feel so welcomed during the holidays and how the barbeques bonded us as a group, and how much fun I would have in school during recesses and after school. Also, because I had the mind set that having the same recess as him would make my day all the brighter(how wrong I was).

Although I refused to believe it since day 1, I realised that I am totally hopeless and get scared when I'm alone,which means, I don't know what to do without friends. As days,weeks,months pass, certain friendships are broken while others grow stronger, and also, some are forsaken. I don't want this to happen to anyone, knowing how important friendship is, and also, I don't want this to happen to me. I know I've changed, in more ways than one. I've become bitchier, more hypocritical and vulgar than ever before, and I'm not proud of it. I hope I'll change for the better, and for those who know what I'm talking about, make it better too.

*Thanks

Abby - This is the 4th year that we've known each other. I thank the times we spent wasting away the days, just talking. Sitting in your room, laughing at stupid stuff. Talking back at teachers in class and laughing while our classmates thought us crazy. More so, the times you let me seek comfort in you when I was down, and also the times YOU sought comfort in me when you were down. It makes me feel appreciated. It broke my heart to hear you cry so hard that night, it brought back memories of the same incident that took place in Sec 1 behind the gallery at the hall, if you can recall. I'll always be here for you, promise. Thanks.(:

Jo - The neutral party of the group. Although you don't take sides whenever a problem arises, I know you care about us. You make us laugh, which is essential when there is tension in the group. I knew you the first time as a rebel prefect, which makes me laugh when I think about it now. You were the first friend I made friends with in TK besides the Ngee Ann Primary people. Thanks.(:

Shearen - My dear mommy. The second person I made friends with in TK when Jo introduced you to Abby and I. I know you didn't trust me last year because of something that involved Rachel and Jo. You told me not to tell Rachel what you were upset over, yet I did. I don't blame you for the lack of trust in me, but I hope that you knew I was trying to help. Also, I know I've hurt you in a recent blog entry that you approached me about at Justyn's bbq. If I could, I'd take it back. We've grown distant. Let's talk (: Thanks.

Imee - The crazy girl. The fun, crazy one with all the random songs. I got to know you as the one who is always with Nicole from 1H/2H. Although we're not close, I've had some fun times talking to you and going crazy, like at K box(Vindicated). Also, the one who is afraid of horror movies but always excited to watch. Haha. Maybe I don't have the right to say this, but although we're not very close, if you need anything, just ask. (: You're a good friend, Thanks.

Nicole - You've made this year SO much easier to begin with from the start. I had someone I knew who was fun and bubbly and had the same concept towards studying. You were so warm and friendly, and we stood by each other until we got separated. The first few weeks of school were really fun, all thanks to you. I know that we think very much alike, and it gets scary sometimes. Because of this, I also know that there are times where you get pissed off by me because of the stuff that I do. I'm sorry for that. I hope that as the year goes by, we will become greater friends. Thanks. (:

Jasmine - I know we've been getting along pretty well. However, I do regret that there have been times where I've been very hypocritical towards you. I'm really sorry for that. Perhaps it's your attitude towards people that sometimes leaves me contemplating. Anyway, I do want you to know that I enjoy your company and how you treat me as a good friend. Thanks for the time where you lent me your shoulder to cry on and vice versa. If there is ever anything you need or you want to talk about, I'll be there for you. (: Thanks.

There are more people to thank, but these are all the ones my short-termed memory can remember right now. Cheers.

(*this is not written in any sequence of importance whatsoever.)

HER

Donna Goh

the loved ones have gone, are you here to stay?

DESIRES

A new bag
Fall Out Boy T
Infinity on High
Roxy/Billabong pencilcase
A candy shop :D

AND I'D SAY..

I'm addicted to the way I feel when I think of you.

SCREAM

CREDITS

Layout: x
Brushes: x
Fonts: x
Images: x